Sunday, July 6th, 2014

The climbing rose in our garden at its peak, seen from an upstairs window.

Now that you are gone,
my heart,
torn in half,
lies bleeding.
Without you
days begin and end
with loneliness
and longing.







These words came to me recently as I awoke to another day without my love beside me. Without his tender smile washing over me as our day began. Without him holding me tight before I got up, begging me to stay longer....no fuenf Minueteli....five more little minutes....he would say.

I will post more at a later time but for now I want to let you know that the date has been set for Peter's Celebration of Life.

We will be gathering on Sunday, August 10th from 1 to 3 PM at Maine Audubon's Gilsland Farm Environmental Center in Falmouth. Peter and I took many wonderful walks in the fields and woods of the Farm over the years and it seems like the perfect spot to honor him.

There will be light refreshments following the testimonials. For those of you who would like to do so, I thought it would be nice to take a short walk after the gathering, depending on the weather of course.

The address is:

Gilsland Farm Audubon Center
20 Gilsland Farm Road
Falmouth, ME
207/ 781.2330

To get to Maine Audubon [ please note that parking is limited therefore carpooling is encouraged].

FROM THE NORTH:

Take I-95 to exit 10, go left on Buckman Rd. and then right on US Route 1.
Continue south for about 1 mile.
Just past the blinking light at the intersection of Routes 1 and 88 turn right onto Gilsland Farm Road. Follow the dirt driveway to its end to the Environmental Center.

FROM THE SOUTH:

Take I-295 to exit 9.
Continue about 2 miles north on US Route 1 and then turn left onto Gilsland Farm Road [this is immediately before the intersection of Routes 1 and 88].
Follow the dirt driveway to its end to the Environmental Center.

Saturday, April 19th, 2014

Heidi composed Peter's obituary which will appear in tomorrow's Portland Press Herald:

Peter Albert Graf passed away at home on 4/14/14, with his loving wife Jutta and daughter Heidi by his side.

Born 9/10/34 in Basel, Switzerland to Samuel Graf and Elisabeth Lindegger he was raised as an only child. Growing up he learned to swim and sail the Rhine River, was on a rowing team, became an expert skier and biked the challenging hairpin passes up and down the mountains of Switzerland. 

After a business apprenticeship in a hardware store in Basel, he joined Swissair, with the goal of traveling the world. At age 24 he was transferred to NYC. There he started out as a reservations agent. With only rudimentary English skills he begged his co-workers for help, one of them being Jutta Herion, who was happy to help this dashing 6’4 man. 

In 1960 Peter and Jutta married and embarked on what was to be a rich and adventurous life. In 1963 they welcomed their son Mark, followed by their daughter Heidi in 1965. Together they moved many times between the American and European continents, making friends along the way. In 1980, while living in Switzerland,  Peter and Jutta opened their arms to Lan and Hai Vu, two Vietnamese children who had fled their country by boat and needed a foster home.

In 1983 Peter attained his dream job with Swissair. He became General Manager for North and Central America,  based in New York City, bringing Peter and Jutta back to  where their love story began. Peter continued to thrive in his work, so much so that in 1986 he became Vice President of Swissair at their head office in Zurich. During the course of his 35 year career with Swissair his original goal of traveling the world was satisfied. He visited 49 countries around the globe for both business and pleasure.

Peter decided to retire from Swissair in 1991so he and Jutta could spend their time doing the things they loved most. They moved full time to their sanctuary in Deer Isle, Maine. There Peter sailed the waters with his wooden sailboat, skied and hiked, gardened and played tennis. He also pursued his dream of starting his own business. Together with a local lobster fisherman he started Sunshine Seafood, buying and selling lobsters.

Along the way grandchildren were born: Vanja,Minh Tien, Paris, Minh Tuong, Thuy Trinh, Ysanne, Ciara, and Ha Vy. Peter was a highly involved grandfather. So much so that he and Jutta decided to move to Portland from the Blue Hill Peninsula in 2005 to be closer to their daughter and her three daughters when they relocated from New York City. He nourished and guided his tribe throughout his life. Providing objective and tender wisdom he kept his family safe and happy. He was everyone’s moral compass. Peter lent a helping hand wherever he could, volunteering for hospice, working with the immigrant community through Adult Education and much more.

In February of 2012 Peter was struck with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. It came as a shock. Peter bravely underwent grueling, yet life saving treatment at MMC. He was under the care of Dr. Boyd, his dedicated hematologist, and Dr. Reynolds, his caring PCP. Thanks to the outstanding health team at MMC, Gibson Pavilion and the IV therapy team at Scarborough Campus, Peter received excellent care for which the family wants to express their deepest gratitude. Also to the circle of friends who enveloped Peter with love, supporting him and his family throughout turbulent times and to Hospice of Southern Maine for their caring guidance in the last week of his life.

Peter is survived by his wife Jutta Graf of Portland, his daughter Heidi Graf and her partner Ron Petrone of Cape Elizabeth, by his daughter Lan Nguyen Vu of Bern, Switzerland, his son Hai Vu of Zurich, Switzerland and by his 8 grandchildren.

Peter joined his son Mark who died tragically on October 10th, 2012. Together they are soaring through our universe - at peace and with endless love.

At Peter’s request there will be no services. According to his wishes we will gather for a Celebration of Life in early August. 

In lieu of flowers please make donations to MMC c/o Gibson Pavilion, 22 Bramhall Street, Portland, ME 04102

Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

Peter's journey has come to an end. He exhaled his last breath at 5:55 AM on 04/14/2014 with Heidi and me by his side.

I am thankful that Peter's wish to die at home could be fulfilled. One of the last things he was able to formulate was : "No more poking", meaning no more IV's, no more testing, let me be. Thanks to the medications Hospice of Southern Maine had given us, thanks to the expert and loving guidance of the nurses, Heidi and I were able to keep Peter calm and free of pain by administering them orally throughout his last night on this earth.

Peter died at the time of day when both his children were born, Mark in 1963 in Minneapolis and Heidi in 1965 in Milwaukee. Both arrived in this world around 6, in a different time zone, but  nevertheless at 6 AM.

Heidi and I sat for a while as the day began trying to grasp the inevitable finality, deep sorrow settling into us, stunning us with its pain.

At around 9 we called hospice. Annie, a nurse came and with her we washed Peter tenderly, put on his favorite shirt and the jeans he looked so handsome in, the colorful socks Katla had knitted for him. I combed his hair. I kissed him. He looked peaceful. His last act of courage was complete.

Peter wanted to be cremated, no viewing, no funeral but a Celebration of Life at some time in the future. He wants his ashes to be scattered in the ocean then. Paris, who is in Sydney, Australia requested we wait with that till she gets back the beginning of August. We will set a date and let you know.

Thank you for the loving support you have given us these past 2+ years as we went from hopefulness to despair. It helped keep us calm and gave us the strength we so desperately needed.

May the light of love be your constant companion.

Sunday, April13th, 2014

Last Sunday, after 5 weeks of steady decline, Peter decided to stop all treatment. Hospice is helping us as we care for him here at home. They delivered a hospital bed and all manner of things like a wheelchair, oxygen, etc. Heidi and Ron rearranged our bedroom and we put the hospital bed in the room so Peter could be close by.

Sometime back Heidi scheduled a college tour with Ysanne and at my urging they reluctantly left on the 5 day trip on Thursday morning. Ron left for a 2 week job in New York City although he also had misgivings.

Although each day of this week Peter had gotten a little weaker, he was still able to take a shower and dress with my assistance and even walked to his office to have breakfast, the only meal of the day since eating has become a chore. I thought his decline would be gradual and I knew that friends and Hospice would help me while everyone was gone. But then things suddenly changed.

Last night, after dozing off, I woke up at about one because Peter's breathing was belabored. He had 105.5 degrees F fever. Some of that might have been due to the fact that he was covered with a duvet but at any rate, the fever was dangerously high.  Unable to turn him to administer the suppositories Hospice had given me for such an occurrence, I dissolved 2 Tylenol tablets and thankfully Peter was still cognitive enough to swallow them with some water. It took 2 anxious hours for temperatures to return to normal.

Hospice gave me a kit with emergency medicines and talked me through various scenarios, so I also gave  Peter drops for anxiety because he was so agitated. It was a long and anxious night. At 6:30 I decided to call Hospice to ask for help since the bed was soaked and I was not able to change the sheets on my own. Plus I needed guidance from a professional. Because of some miscommunication and after another call a nurse finally showed up at 8:30. Together we got Peter comfortable. She confirmed what I believed was happening, that Peter was transitioning. She also told me about signs of pain since Peter can no longer communicate verbally. Fast and heavy breathing, furrowing of the brow, drawing up of the legs for instance, all of which Peter was doing during the night, are signs. Melissa got in contact with the doctor and she set up a schedule for morphine to be administered every four hours, more often if needed.

I called Heidi this morning. She and Ysanne were in Bennington, VT and they are coming back immediately as is Ron, who turned around after being halfway to New York. Ciara came at 9. I am grateful that we all will be together to support Peter and each other at this time.

In closing I would like to share with you what Heidi said to her father after he made the decision to stop treatment.

When you are a fetus and you are getting ready to be birthed, you have to have a lot of strength and courage to go through the process of being born. Thankfully you forget.

But when you are going through the process of dying it is very different. You are acutely aware. It is the last task you must complete. You have to be very brave to do this. It is your last act of courage.

P.S. Today would have been Mark's 51st birthday.

Friday, February 28th, 2014

Peter on our walk recently

This winter doesn't want to end. After a few days with temperatures in the 40s we have been back to the single digits in the morning for a week now. Thankfully it's sunny and we enjoy the warmth of our sunroom.

Today is the last day of the 10th round of Vidaza which Peter submits to every 6 weeks for 7 days. His immune system is shot and he has lost about 15 pounds. He is weak and discouraged. Hopefully things will improve soon. Peter is incredibly brave as he tries to come to terms with his condition.

A friend watched an interview with Ingmar Bergman. When asked about aging, he said that no one talks about it, but he has found that aging with any kind of grace at all is a full time job. How true, especially when you are battling a grave illness.

Since we can't venture out into the world anymore because of the danger of infection, the world is coming to us. We have had many wonderful visits from family and friends from near and as far away as Jakarta the past few months. Phone calls, e-mails and letters also keep us in touch. 

We got a 50" HD TV and it has become our home entertainment center when we are sequestered.  Although we don't watch TV, we enjoy watching a movie most evenings. The TV is wirelessly connected to our computers so we can stream our digital photograph collections! Peter has converted most of our slides to digital and although some of the slides have faded somewhat over the years, it is still fun to look at life back then on a big screen.

In spite of it all we had a wonderful summer. In August we rented a house with our friends Peter and Mary an hour from Portland directly on a lake. It was wonderful to start the day swimming

and enjoying our morning coffee on the dock afterwards, to cool off in the pristine water during the day and watch the sun set in the evening.

Paris, Ciara and Ysanne came with their friend Tristan from New York for a couple of days and as you see they had a grand time. There is little light pollution in the Belgrade Lakes region and we were able to watch the meteor shower lying on the dock one night.

We hiked a little, ate well and read a lot. One morning Mary and I had a private yoga class on the dock and a neighbor gave Mary and Peter a paddle board lesson.

All summer long and into the fall I was in a "putting up" frenzy and our larder and freezer are well stocked.

We have an elderberry tree in our backyard and it bore a record crop of berries this year.Years ago I brought a branch from our elderberry in Ruedlingen, Switzerland to Deer Isle and rooted it in our garden there. The sapling moved with us to Brooksville, Maine and then to Portland and has grown into a lovely tree.

I make elderberry syrup every year which is the go to medicine for our family when one of us catches a cold. It is quite miraculous how effective the syrup is when you take a tablespoon every couple of hours or enjoy it in a cup of tea, Ciara's preferred method.

They sell elderberry syrup in small bottles for about $17 in the stores. Ysanne quickly calculated that I must have made about $300 worth of syrup.

Peter is a passionate forager. He monitored the ripening of the elderberris and harvested them just at the right time. Simultaneously he kept an eye on our crabapple tree and one day brought in a huge basket full of apples with which I made a tasty jelly.

Once the tomatoes dropped in price at the farmers market to just $1 a pound, Heidi, her girls and I made tomato sauce out of an astounding 120 pounds.

Then there were 24 quarts of organic wild Maine blueberries delivered to our door.....I could go on and on.

Yesterday a letter arrived from Snell Family Farm with a month to month countdown.

"March: New England boiled dinner vegetables available. Carolyn is booking wedding flowers for summer and fall."

"End of April: Pansies, violas, sweet peas, snap dragons, and perennials ready. Don't rush out frost sensitive plants. Spend time planning and preparing soil."

Another cycle is beginning. We are so ready for those first warm days when we can sit in the garden. I look forward to watching Peter watch the "wildlife", the bees and butterflies sipping nectar and the birds flitting in and out of trees.

One last thing...Paris left for Sydney two weeks ago to attend the University of New South Wales for her Junior semester abroad. Here she is bidding her Opa farewell. As we hear via e-mail and FaceTime, she is happily settling in and is absolutely in love with her new surroundings.

Our warmest greetings to you. Be well, be happy and spread love all around.

Friday, July 5th 2013

This is where I hang out a good part of the day since coming home on June 26th. Missed the peonies and the spectacular first flush of roses, but arrived in time to see my beloved grey dogwood in full bloom.

The sutures were removed last Tuesday, July 2nd by Dr. Reynolds, my doctor here, and I was allowed to wash my hair for the first time in three weeks on July 4th! 

Heidi and Ron invited us over for a celebratory barbecue of hamburgers, hot dogs, grilled vegetables, corn, tomato / mozzarella salad and mixed green salad fresh from their garden.

For dessert we enjoyed a family favorite Ciara, Ysanne and I had made the day before. While the adults lingered after dinner the twins joined friends to watch the fireworks on Munjoy Hill in Portland.

I am getting steadier on my feet every day. Heidi arranged visits by therapists and a nurse to help me back to normal. She and friends have been making delicious dinners for us, filling the house with flowers and a lot of love. Peter watches me like a hawk, waiting on me hand and foot starting with tea in bed every morning!

Unfortunately I ended up having two surgeries. The first one on June 12th took 7 hours. Dr. Barker and his assistant removed an egg sized piece of skull to get to the acoustic neuroma. They took out most of it and I was overjoyed that there was no paralysis on the right side of my face, thanking a tired Dr. Barker when he came to see me in the ICU. 

He told us that there was some comic relief in the

operating room. Apparently commands to wiggle my toes after surgery were met with a categorical: "That is not going to happen" for over one hour. Since I was speaking German, Dr. Barker had to employ a virtual translator to decipher my babbling.

After spending the first night in ICU, I was transferred to a beautifully furnished room with a sweeping view of Beacon Hill and beyond. Lucky me since it became my home for two whole weeks.

Cerebral  fluid started dripping out of my right nostril on the second day after surgery. They did a spinal tap and I had to lie prone for several days as they carefully calibrated the drainage, finally deciding to reopen the 12 centimeter long scar on Friday, the 21st of June because of a hairline crack that was not going to close. The surgery took only about 2 hours this time, but there was considerable pain for a couple of days. I will spare you further details but want to let you know that I now have MRI compatible titanium mesh in my head which will eventually fuse with my skull. How about that!

I am filled with deep thanks especially to Heidi and Peter who were by my side during my hospital stay. Heidi sacrificed her vacation and was invaluable in every way. She advocated for me arriving before 6 every morning so she would not miss the neurosurgeon team.

Ron brought Ciara and Ysanne down to Boston for an afternoon, a breath of fresh air. Peter and Mary came to visit.

And dear Mary came back down and stayed with me for two days so Peter and Heidi could go back to Portland to make all necessary arrangements for my return. While with me, Mary selected a delicious multi course dinner at Enoteca, a great restaurant on Charles Street. Not only that, she bought me a most elegant kimono wrap to wear for the occasion. I disappointed her on that front because I didn't have enough energy to both dress up and eat, having to opt for the latter! She lovingly understood.

Peter and Heidi drove back down to Boston on the 26th leaving at 8 AM. After making sure I had enough pain medication to tide me over, they packed me in the car where I promptly fell asleep. Peter gently chauffeured us back.  That first night Ysanne slept on a cot by my side so Peter could get a good nights sleep in the guest room. She gave me my meds at midnight and helped me to the bathroom a couple of times that night.

While at the hospital, reading ANIMAL VEGETABLE MIRACLE by Barbara Kingsolver, my thoughts turned to our tradition of making jams. Each year the girls and I get together starting with strawberry season to make enough jam to last us all winter and to share with friends.

On July 3rd Peter picked up 20 pounds of the most luscious local strawberries at Rosemont market. We sat outside stemming them while the jars were sterilizing and then Ciara and Ysanne, with a little guidance from Oma, set about making 20 jars of strawberry jam. Heidi had raided her rhubarb patch and they made another 20 jars of yummy strawberry / rhubarb jam.

With the foam they ladled off while the jams were boiling, we made dessert for the next day, a family favorite in the picture above. The recipe goes way back to when Mark was born  in Minneapolis and is the creation of my dear friend Gisela who lives in Germany now.

In closing I do want to express my gratitude for the care I got at MGH. The smart, caring and loving nurses kept me confident that I would get well while taking care of my every need in a cheerful and personal manner. The neurosurgeons answered our many questions full of compassion, making what were at times difficult decisions. The cleaning personal kept everything spotless with a big smile. I was deeply moved by the life stories they all shared and by their fervent wish I would be able to go home soon.

I also thank all of you for your prayers, your cards, calls, letters and e-mails, your flowers and the sustenance I received. This is what carried me and kept me calm. We are so lucky in many ways.

Sunday, June 9th 2013

The last time I posted we had just emerged from a long and difficult winter. Peter was adjusting to the Vidaza treatments which had taken such a toll on him and was getting stronger. 

We are happy and very grateful to report Peter is feeling terrific, his blood values are good, he even played tennis for the first time when we visited friends at their retreat in Friendship, Maine last weekend. We enjoyed lazy days in that bucolic setting, something we could not have done just a few months ago when Peter was neutropenic. One of the many highlights was seeing a big field lit up by fireflies under a star filled sky on our evening walk. And then there were those prehistoric looking horseshoe crabs mating in a cove!

Tori and Ted, our hosts, planting tomatoes

Meadowsailing

I have been putting off telling you about another challenge we are facing.

Last January while we were struggling with Peter's issues, I was diagnosed with a benign tumor on my brain,  a rare condition called acoustic neuroma. I consulted with neurosurgeons and radiologists here and at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston to help me decide what to do.

The neuroma has been growing for about 30 years and has reached a worrisome size, two and a half centimeters. I know now it wasn't  red wine that caused those balance issues I have had for a while! Other symptoms are diminished hearing in my right ear and tingling on the right side of the face.

Long story short, the thing needs to come out. I would have liked to have it done here, but since it is a rare tumor, I have decided to go to Boston where this kind of operation is done routinely.

Through a series of lucky circumstances I was connected with Dr. Fred Barker of MGH who has performed this surgery for the past 20 years, last year alone he removed 80 acoustic neuromas.

My surgery will be in 3 days, June 12th. It will last 6 to 8 hours. The hearing on my right ear will be lost. There is a less than 5% chance of facial paralysis on that side, something I hope won't happen! Incidentally, the hole in my scull will be covered with MRI compatible titanium mesh, how about that!

After a 3 to 5 day hospital stay and 4 to 6 weeks of recuperation at home, I should be able to resume a normal life style.

I have been preparing myself by going to Pilates 3 times a week, visits with my osteopath and acupuncturist and concentrating on remaining calm. We will go to Boston Tuesday afternoon already since I have to be at MGH at 5:30 Wednesday morning. Before we leave I have another session with my osteopath followed by a private Pilates in the morning.

Heidi is taking precious vacation time to be with Peter and me during my hospital stay. We saw Ciara and Ysanne last night and they have plans to cook up a storm while I am out of commission.

In parting I would like to ask you to please send healing thoughts my way on Wednesday. Peter will keep you updated as to my progress. Thank you all.